1 Year Sober and Following a Dream

This post is a little long and maybe repetitive, but I thought I would share anyway. I had it written and ready to post days before the actual day of my one year sober, however vulnerability and imperfection are things I have always feared. So, being able to express my thoughts and feelings from the last year is another step in the right direction, perfect or not. I believe that when you fear something, that is a sign to continue to move forward because growth and opportunity is waiting on the other side.

Gratitude for Having a Choice

I don’t believe I would be on this journey right now if I didn’t decide to break off my relationship with alcohol. And if I was, it certainty wouldn’t be the same. I probably would not even have the five months traveling on this trip that I do today. There really wasn’t anything stopping me, but myself, so the decision was necessary if I was really going to be the person I want to be and do what I want to do.

I feel incredibly grateful to be able to follow my dreams. It might be easy to say that if you have a dream you can make it happen. While I do believe this in many cases, I have also realized that not everyone has the privilege or opportunity to do so.

As I’ve traveled and seen the world through a different lense, it’s apparent to me now that some, probably many, people may never have the chance to do what their heart is telling them to. Circumstances are different for everyone; some people have debt, are poor, sick, have other responsibilities to attend to…

I remind myself that I am so lucky that the only obstacle stopping me was myself and that I was able to make the choice to demolish the barrier between myself and my dreams. The world was ready for me, I suppose I just wasn’t ready. I’m so grateful for the numerous second, third and fourth chances life has given me to finally figure it out.

Making the decision

So, it’s been one year since I’ve hung out with my good ol’ alcohol friend and while it hasn’t been easy, it’s been MUCH better. I look back, as I was planning to go to treatment for a third time (But, did my yoga training instead) and it’s hard to comprehend that level of loneliness and despair that I filled by days with. It’s a good reminder of why I made this decision in the first place. It’s brought me beautiful experiences and opportunities that have changed my life. They most likely would have easily passed by otherwise.

It shouldn’t have been, but it was a hard choice to make. A choice filled with trial and error and ups and downs because well, I like it. I love it..too much.  And I hate it at the same time. I’m tired of playing it’s game and I’m not willing to take the risk again (especially when I’m never winning).

Once I quit justifying and really accepted that it was the main cause of all my problems-the people lost, the jobs lost, the respect lost, opportunities missed, the self-worth lost-the decision smacked me right in the face. I’m grateful that I had a choice; easy or not.

One main motivator to staying sober is my Mom, my best friend. She was diagnosed with breast cancer in November 2015. My world instantly shattered when I heard the big scary cancer word. Images of a life without her drained me. I didn’t know how to help or what to say. The only thing I could think of was creating the least amount of stress and worry so she could use all her energy to be strong and healthy. I hadn’t been sober too long but I knew right then and there the answer to the internal debate I was having with myself whether to drink again or not. The last thing my Mom needed was more sadness and struggle in her heart. I needed to give her all the positive energy I could and this is the only way I truly know how. Her strength and acceptance of the situation is something I will admire forever. I am incredibly thankful beyond words that my family and I get to have her healthy and happy many more years. She is my world.

A New Perspective of Life 

Alcohol surrounds me all the time and of course while I’m traveling too. It’s the fuel behind fun and excitement. It brings laughter. It brings people together. It makes strangers for comfortable. It creates good memories. That’s normal. But, in my case, as much as I tried to enjoy those fun aspects, it usually did the opposite. Sure, there were really fun times, but more negative ones to follow. Having to explain to people why I choose not to drink is somewhat embarrassing as no one like to admit they aren’t strong enough to handle something or that they are different. But, I suppose that is my own inner struggle.

I enjoy things more now and in a different way. My world isn’t seen through the haze that I had covered myself in. I don’t have to spend a day or more with the dreaded anxious hangover, wasting precious time. Having to apologize for my ridiculous actions that I barely remember. I’m not stuck on the controlling, self-destructive cycle of the alcohol obsession. I don’t have to pretend like everything is fine. My days aren’t filled with the shaky worry of when I’ll get the next drink. My days are no longer dictated by it. My 4 times a week hangovers turned into no hangovers because the drinking never stopped; what kind of life is that? It isn’t.

I still meet great people and experience the beauty of traveling and life but with more dignity and appreciation. Not only traveling, but I am able to really enjoy the time I have with friends, family and my boyfriend because my head isn’t somewhere else. I can focus on what I truly love. I am present as much as I can be. I get to be the real me. My life, my feelings and my happiness don’t depend on something that was actually destroying me. I can have interesting, genuine conversations, and remember them.

If I’m overwhelmed by worry and anxiety then at least I know it’s from something other than alcohol. Most of the time I feel more confident, fun and dignified than I ever have. The shame and guilt have slowly, but surely gotten better because I’ve stopped covering it up and stuffing it away. Instead of taking three steps back I can now take one step back and three forward. I can clearly see the beauty in everything. I can live each day with organic happiness, love, self-respect and respect for others the best that I can.

A Sense of Grief

There was and still is this sense of losing something really close to me. It was a part of my life for so long and I depended on it to get me through. It was my sidekick when I was sad, hurt, overwhelmed, anxious, happy, excited, needed to celebrate. While the majority of my days are full of hope and a sense of accomplishment, I do still have many days that I want to quit. I miss it, I feel lonely, I feel bored, I feel boring, I feel uncomfortable, I feel sad and anxious. I still have days I’m pissed at myself I usually let the drinking go too far and ruined many opportunities and important things in my life.

I still feel that alcohol is a part of my identity, which I think is the hardest part and something I’m continuing to grow beyond and detach from. As much as it has ruined many things in my life, unfortunately, I will probably always want it sometimes, but each day brings a higher sense of acceptance and gratitude and fewer with doubt.

Many times I still want to hide and run away when my mind overwhelms me and I want to be a part of the thoughtless fun and bonding I see others enjoying. I try to convince myself that I could try again and maybe this time, be normal. But no. It’s a battle that I hope to win.

Throughout this journey, I’ve tried to understand what I loved so much about alcohol, and I think it was my way of being “present.” No worries about the past or the future. When of course in reality, that is not presence at all. What I am searching for is that TRUE presence. I know it’s there, it’s just discovering the tools to access it; making a new way of life and way of thinking.

The Bright Side

But, I know now that sitting with those feelings and having to deal with those thoughts and emotions I have shielded for so long, is what I need to move on and make the life I always wanted. I am no longer piling up more unnecessary problems and can finally work on cleaning up the old ones.

Focusing on the great things that have come up through the layers is what keeps me strong as well. That is why I wanted to see the world on my own. To “find myself” and to accept what I discover. To know that I can get through a crappy day and cry by myself or being lost and confused, on my own. And having alcohol as a part of this journey would not mean that I am on my own. At the end of the day, it is worth it and it is surely one of the best things I could have done for my life.

I’m certainly not saying that everyone should stop drinking or that I’m any better than anyone or that I am a victim because that is never the case. I’m just saying that if you’re the only thing getting in the way of the life you want to live,  whatever that may be, then just move. You deserve it to yourself. Life is too short and beautiful to watch it pass by and wonder what if.

So cheers to whatever makes you happy!

“To get through the hardest journey we need to take one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping.” Chinese Proverb